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90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

Remember when you thought you'd have it all together by the time you were the age you are now? Ha!!!!

18f16c7698924e048e40a52f6d3601b5

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This pisses the genie off.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

Good friends don't let you do dumb things... alone.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do anything.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

The "Miss Universe" pageant is definitely rigged... The winner is always from Earth.

18f16c7698924e048e40a52f6d3601b5

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

E359b5df69fe84312df2abafaf272af7

A man and woman are driving north to the Catskills for their honeymoon. The man puts his hand on the wife's thigh. She says "That's OK honey, we're married now you can go further." So he drove to Canada.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.

069120bd87bb23405ace666e25bdfe2d

Ha ha haa.......................................

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

A turd in a swimming pool is like a crying baby on an airplane... one little thing is messing it up for everyone.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off at the bar.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

The first rule of relationships: You don't find out why someone was available until it's too late.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

Many things can be preserved in alcohol...Dignity is not one of them

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the hell out of the dog.

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking. It scared the hell out of me! So that's it, after today, no more reading.

18f16c7698924e048e40a52f6d3601b5

What’s the difference between and Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score!

User1

there are quite a few good laughs here

90ae3d593b647ffe95b59e9522646e17

I wake up relatively happy every morning. Then I interact with other people and things change quickly.